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Hey. Hey. HEY — you, with the phone. Yeah, I'm talking to YOU. Put down whatever "clean eating" smoothie you're pretending to enjoy right now, because I need exactly five minutes of your time. FIVE. Minutes. You know what I'm tired of? I am tired of these gym bros in ninety-dollar tank tops pointin…

Hey. Hey. HEY — you, with the phone. Yeah, I'm talking to YOU. Put down whatever "clean eating" smoothie you're pretending to enjoy right now, because I need exactly five minutes of your time. FIVE. Minutes. You know what I'm tired of? I am tired of these gym bros in ninety-dollar tank tops pointing at me like I'm some kind of villain. Like I personally wronged them. News flash, Professor Protein Shake — I'm not the enemy. I never was. My name is Sly. I am a slice of the finest New York–style p